Innocence Lost
by Maaike-OUAT
Summary: A fic about something that just wouldn't let me go. Snow asks Emma how she feels about having another baby brother or sister. How will Emma react to this? There's more to it... - AU - Emma's POV - One-shot.


**A fic about something that just wouldn't let me go. Snow asks Emma how she feels about having another baby brother or sister. How will Emma react to this? There's more behind it... AU. Emma's POV. One-shot. **

**I know a lot has been written about this, but I hope that I've succeeded in giving a sort of different twist to it. I would love to hear your thoughts on this one-shot. **

* * *

Emma knows it the minute she walks into the apartment. The determined look on her mother's face, and the fidgeting give it away. Mary Margaret wants to talk. '_Not now, please not now', _she begs in silence. Having to deal with minor crimes whereby people get on her nerves at work is one thing, but having to go into an actual talk with her mother afterwards, is crossing the limit of what she can handle on one day.

Her workday had just been exhausting. Piles of paperwork she had to work through and a quarrel between neighbors – a former cat and a former mouse living next to each other, never a good idea – were the only excitement she got.

As quietly as possible she tiptoes her way up the stairs. She freezes the moment she hears her mother clearing her throat. Her escape plan was too good to be true anyway.

''Emma?''

Running up the stairs and locking herself up in her room or answering the question? The first option is extremely tempting, but Emma knows that that wouldn't solve the problem. When Mary Margaret has something on her mind, she needs to share it, whether people like it or not. '_Must be part of the fairytale attitude'_, thinks the blonde to herself.

She counts to three and looks over her shoulder. ''Yes?''

''Do you have a minute maybe? So that we can talk about… stuff?'' asks Snow.

'_Serious business', _thinks Emma to herself. She has rarely seen her mother so insecure, with her fingers now fidgeting the buttons of her blouse. A non-hearable sigh escapes her mouth before she answers her mother's question. ''Sure.'' Slowly she walks back down the stairs.

''Come, sit,'' beckons her mother on the seat next to her. ''Would you like something to drink? A coffee or a hot cocoa? I can make you one in a minute, if you want one?''

Emma knows what her mother is doing. Mary Margaret is clearly stalling. Stalling, because what she wants to discuss with her daughter must be difficult for her too. ''No thanks, I'm good,'' the blonde replies. If this is going to be another one of Mary Margaret's infamous hear-to-heart-talks, she wants this to be done with rather sooner than later.

''Good, good,'' says Snow, clearly already moved on from the drinks to the question on how she's going to start this conversation. Her pondering gaze shifts from Emma to her hands that are now lying in her lap. ''Emma…'' she begins.

''Yes…?'' returns her daughter, raising her brow questioningly. This is going to take forever.

''Well, do you remember that moment in Neverland, when we all had to give up our darkest secrets?''

Of course she remembers. That memory will always stay with her, as it had felt like she had been thrown into this kind of rollercoaster of emotions, not being able to take a breath and to steady herself in between. She had been bombarded with revelations she wasn't even sure she had been ready for to hear. Not to mention the moment when she had to admit her own darkest secret to Neal. ''Yes, of course I do remember that,'' she replies therefore a bit touchy.

Snow nods her head understandingly. ''Okay. I just wanted to talk to you about the thing I said in that cave. The secret I shared with you. There was no time for us to discuss it there with everything that was going on, but I was wondering how you really feel about it. And if you have any questions. Because, I know. I know Emma,'' she repeats as she takes her daughter's hands, ''it must've been so hard for you to hear that.''

Emma's so not ready to deal with this right now. Things had finally slowed down for her and her family, and they were all starting to pick up their lives.

Henry went back to school full days. Mary Margaret had promised Emma to keep an eye out for him there, as she went back to teach the fifth graders of Storybrooke Elementary.

Emma got her position back at the local sheriff station, where noise complaints counted as the highlights of her days.

David assists her with the day-to-day worries of the sleepy town that Storybrooke turned back into after the Neverlanders returned home.

That quiet life was something Emma had looked forward to immensely. She didn't have the opportunity to breathe, let alone to get used to the idea of being the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming while they were in Neverland. Actually, when she comes to think of it, she never had the opportunity to let it all settle in, not even when they were still in Storybrooke. A whirlwind of events had made it impossible for her to properly straighten her thoughts and to consciously realizing what the emotions she felt actually meant.

Emma had suppressed the memories of the Neverland-events as much as possible, because any reminders of it were just too painful. And now her mother wanted to talk to her again about that one Thing… That… Oh God, she can't even think about it.

But, how did she actually feel about it? About her parents having another… _baby. _The longer she's thinking about it, the more anxious she gets. She really doesn't want to get into this. Not here, not now. It's too complicated.

She rises up from the couch and quickly turns her head away from her mother, not wanting to show the tears that are now clearly forming in her eyes. ''I'm sorry, I can't…'' she says.

But before she can make an exit, her mother grabs her arm. Snow's hold is firm and compelling.

Emma quickly blinks a few times with her eyes, hopefully getting rid of the moist before her mother sees it.

''Please Emma, stay. The not knowing is killing me. You're the most important person in the entire world to me. This may sound extremely selfish but, I _need _to know how you feel!''

Her mother's pleading eyes however do not reach its goal. As a matter of fact, it only seems to spark a sense of anger Emma didn't know she had in her. ''You know what Mary Margaret? Yes, you're right. You do sound selfish! How can you think that the whole world is all about you? You don't care about how I feel. And even if you do, it doesn't change anything. You want this child so badly, that it really doesn't matter what I say. You will have that baby no matter what.'' Emma's heart is pounding. There's no stopping her now. ''All you fairytale characters are so extremely self-centered, always looking for your own happiness, despite the costs. Let me tell you something, _mom,'' _she says in a scoffing tone of voice, ''we're in the real world now, where _I'm _from. And let me tell you what: the real world is not as black and white as Fairytale Land might be.'' She takes another deep breath before continuing. 'Happines' is such a meaningless concept. Do you really think that having another baby will solve all your problems? Making you truly happy again?'' At this point she's almost yelling.

There's a blank expression on her mother's face, making Emma even more angry. ''Well, I wish you and David all the best of luck with your perfect little family. I will not be standing in your way if that's what you want to hear. Congratulations, you have my blessing. Can I go now?''

The initial sense of relief of having this out of her system rapidly fades and makes place for a sense of guilt. Did she really just blurted out all of these things? Quickly she moves her hand to her mouth and stares expectantly at her mother. The rage that floated through her system merely a few seconds ago has seemed to have completely disappeared, leaving an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Snow's mouth is open, like if she wants to say something, but can't find the right words for it. Her mouth closes and opens again, like a stupid gold fish.

The only thing Emma wants now is to leave the apartment. She needs to get out of the suffocating room before she starts hyperventilating. The walls seem to close in on her. She grabs her coat from the coatrack and storms out of the apartment.

* * *

'_Where do I go? I have nowhere to go. Story of my life,''_ thinks Emma to herself when she passes the town line. It's already dark outside and even with the headlights on, it's hard to navigate through the dark woods. The tears that are blocking her vision are not much of a help either. It however doesn't stop her from pushing the gas pedal of the yellow bug to its absolute limit.

How in the world can they all just assume that she's okay with being Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter? That she's okay with having to act like a mother all of a sudden? Not to mention being okay with having to deal with ludicrous adventures that seem to come straight out of some fantasy novel? People go to mental institutions for telling stories like this.

Or was she being selfish now herself, for thinking this way? She hits furiously on the steering wheel and can barely grab it on time again to avoid the tree that she had most definitely ran into when her responses weren't so quick.

Driving had always be Emma's way to deal with stress. While others would just go out for a walk or a run, she preferred driving full-speed with the bug as a way to calm herself down. It didn't seem to help much today. She had been driving for hours now without seeing a living soul. She passed some sleepy towns very similar to Storybrooke, but it's like she's the only one on the road at this hour of the day.

The gas meter on her dashboard indicates that she's running out of gas. Luckily she saw a sign a few miles back letting her know that the next gas station is only about fifteen minutes away.

That proves to be about right as she sees the lights of the gas station looming up after ten minutes or so. She drives up the driveway and parks the car next to the gas pump. While she's refueling the tank, she notices that there's a bar next to the gas station. One drink couldn't do any harm right?

A few minutes later after she has paid for the gas and parked her car a bit more convenient, she walks into the bar. The interior looks much like she had seen in old movies, with wooden tables and barstools. She sits herself down at one of them and orders a beer.

There're only some older men in the bar. Regulars, as much as Emma can guess, and she's definitely attracting some of their attention. She has been in these kind of situations before, so the staring looks don't really worry her.

She drinks up her drink in silence and thanks the bartender as he puts a bowl of peanuts in front of her. Something she didn't order, but she appreciates the gesture.

From the corners of her eyes she notices that one of the men has gotten up from where he was seated at the end of the bar, and now takes a seat next to her. His gazing eyes are burning in her side.

''What is such a beautiful young woman doing in a bar with ugly old guys like this?'' he asks her.

''That's really none of your business,'' Emma replies bluntly. She orders another beer.

''I apologize. You're right, it's none of my business.'' He smiles widely and hold out his hand. ''Hi, my name is Victor. Don't worry, I've the best wife a man can wish for waiting for me at home. I'm not looking for a younger version to replace her.''

Somehow, this man humors her. She answers his gesture and shakes his hand. ''Emma,'' she says. ''But if your perfect wife is waiting for you at home, what are you doing out here?'' she asks.

''Tuesday night is men's night, and me and my friends come here for some games of pool and drinks. Most of them already left, and I was about to, but then you walked in. And to be honest, we don't see people like you coming here often. It made me curious.''

''Well at least you're being honest with me. I appreciate that. But it's still none of your business I'm afraid.''

Victor nods understandingly. ''I see. But you know, sometimes it's good to talk about that what's bothering you. And talking to a stranger is maybe even better, because they can't judge you, simply because they don't know you.''

''How do you know something's bothering me?'' Emma blunts out. She only needs to cast one quick glance on the black screen of her mobile phone – which she had shut off the moment she left – to see the circles underneath her eyes. Those might had given it away.

''Why else would you come here?'' he grins.

''Good point,'' she answers sending him a small smile. A voice deep inside her screams, begging her to tell Victor about everything that happened earlier that night. But she knows she can't. ''Family stuff,'' she says instead.

''Ah, well family is a most delicate topic,'' Victor says understandingly, ''I know that all too well.''

''Do you have children?'' asks Emma.

''As a matter of fact I do,'' he answers. ''Two, a boy and a girl, both living their own lives now.'' He takes out two photos from his wallet and shows it to her. ''John and Sophie. They're both doctors now,'' he smiles proudly. ''They've their mother's brains, they definitely didn't inherited mine.''

''Do you consider yourself to be a good parent?'' Emma asks out of the blue. She doesn't even know where that question came from.

Victor seems to be surprised by the question. ''I… I don't know. Never thought of that much really. I think as a parent, I've made a lot of mistakes. As a parent you just never know when you do it right, you know? Sometimes your kids adore you, and at other times they avoid you for a week or so. Sadly enough I do regret some of the decisions I've made when it comes to them. But then again, you always try to do what's best for your kids. Even now, when they're all grown up and living their own lives it's still so hard. But I really hope that I was, and still am a decent parent to them. Does that answer your question?'' he asks.

''Yes, I think it does. Thanks.''

''No worries. Doubting about your own parental skills?'' he asks in a comforting tone of voice.

''That, and much more,'' she giggles nervously. ''It's complicated.''

''Isn't always?''

''This maybe even more,'' Emma whispers.

''Troubles with your folks?'' he asks.

Wow, this man is good. ''I'm seriously doubting if that's the case or that _I'm_ the one with having problems,'' she replies. ''I just met my parents recently. We're still trying to work things out. But now my mother wants another child, because my parents didn't get the opportunity to see me grow up. I just don't know how to deal with that.''

Victor almost chokes on his drink. ''Sorry, I didn't want to intrude.''

''That's okay. I'm lucky I guess that someone's willing to listen to my whining anyway.'' What's wrong with her, why the hell is she sharing all this personal stuff with a random person?

''Let's just say that that's where I'm here for.''

Emma doesn't know what makes this man so special, but it just feels right to tell him a part of her story. As new tears well up, she feels Victor's hand soothingly on her own.

''It's okay. Like I said, strangers don't judge right?''

''My parents were very young when they got me, and that's why they were forced to give me up.'' Emma's making up some of the story to make it more plausible for the man to believe. ''They… they just wanted to give me my best chance I guess,'' she adds, reminding her of the exact same thing she had said to Henry.

''It sounds like your parents had to make the toughest choice a parent has to make.''

''It is. It really is the hardest choice a parent has to make,'' Emma says with so much certainty, that Victor sends her a questioning glance. She shakes her head. She's not ready to also tell him about how she had to give up her own son as well.

''You said you found them recently. How's your relationship with them now?''

''Let's just say that much has happened in between and none of us has had the chance to really figure out where we stand at this moment.''

Victor nods sympathetically. ''And now your mom has told you that she wants another child? Is that even possible, with her age and all…'' He holds up his hands to stop himself. ''Sorry, that's not relevant.''

''That's okay. Well she had me at a very young age and there're medical procedures for that… Anyway, yes, she told me that.''

''And now you think that another child will replace you?'' asks Victor.

Emma sighs. ''I don't know what to think. I don't even know what to feel for that matter. But I guess that's how I feel. Does that makes me selfish?'' She's suddenly very insecure about the whole situation.

''Not at all. Emma, listen to me. As far as I can gather from your story, you've parents who love you very much. They gave you up because they love you and wanted what's best for you. No question about that. That they want another child because they missed you growing up, is something that as _a parent, _I can completely understand. I missed so much of my own children when they were growing up, as I was always traveling for my job I had at the time. I don't say that that's anything comparable to your situation, but I just want to say with that that I know what it is to miss out on important events in your children's lives. But does that mean that you feeling being replaced is selfish? Absolutely not. I think it's only human to feel that way.''

When Emma wants to order another drink, Victor stops her. ''You don't want to demolish that cute little car of you don't you? Besides that, alcohol really is not the answer to your problems, believe me.''

''You're right. I'm acting absolutely ridiculous. I don't even know what I'm doing here. Or where I go for that matter.'' Victor's words really touched her, but she doesn't know how to reply.

''What about you just go home? Where you belong.''

_Where you belong. Where you belong. _The words echo through her head over and over again. Is that true? Does she really belong in Storybrooke? With her parents? With Henry?

''You've waited so long to be with them. Now that you found them, you should enjoy your time together with them. Don't waste your time here with the company of some old guys and beer,'' he gives her a playful wink.

''I guess you're right…''

''Of course I'm right. No, just kidding. I know that you're old enough to make your own decisions, it's just that I think that you're a nice and smart girl who has been through enough. You shouldn't punish yourself so much.''

''Thank you,'' says Emma in all sincerity. ''Thanks for everything.'' She gets up and gives the man next to her a hug. ''I think this is just what I needed.''

''Anytime. Although I hope I won't see you here again anytime soon,'' Victor laughs.

Emma waves a last time to Victor before she exits the bar.

* * *

It's already 2:30am by the time that Emma opens the door to their apartment. It's dark inside, and there's no sound to be heard. Her parents and Henry of course went to bed hours earlier.

She therefore also almost jumps up when she hears a whisper coming from the couch in the living room. ''Emma?''

The little reading lamp next to the couch switches on and Emma sees her mother under a blanket and with a book lying opened on her lap.

''Hey,'' she whispers as she walks over to the couch. ''You didn't have to wait up for me. I'm already really glad that you didn't send a search party to look for me,'' she adds trying to lighten the situation. She actually feels really relieved to be home again.

''I knew you would come back, and I wanted to wait up for you,'' Snow simply answers.

Emma sits down next to her mother. ''I'm so sorry about before, I…''

'''Hey, you're not the one that needs to apologize. If there's someone who should apologize, it's me. I shouldn't have pushed you. That was completely wrong.''

''No mom, you had every right to do that. I shouldn't have chickened out. You deserve an answer to that question. I know that now. And my answer is something that you might not like to hear. But I've to be honest with you, and I think that I would indeed feel replaced by a baby brother or sister. How much I wish that I could give you a different answer, this is the truth. Maybe it's just something that I've to get used to, but at this point I can't help but feeling jealous about this little person that isn't even here yet.''

''Because he or she gets everything we couldn't give you as a child,'' adds Snow.

Emma stares at the ground, but slowly nods her head in reply. ''I really don't want to feel like this, because I think that if there's anyone in the world who deserves to have another child it are you and David. But just the thought of it alone hurts me so much.'' Tears are running over her face freely.

She suddenly feels her mother's hand on her shoulder. She looks up and when she notices the understanding expression on Snow's face, she buries her face deep inside her mother's chest. ''I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.''

''Ssst, ssst Emma, it's okay. You've every right to feel this way. It's just way too soon. I realize that now. I love you Emma. I love you so much.''

''I love you too mom.'' And she does. She loves her mother with all her heart.

* * *

Things might not have turned out the way Emma and her family wanted them to be, but at least they are together now. They've already faced many obstacles, and Emma knows that there're still many to come. But those are worries for tomorrow. Now it's simply her and her mother on this couch, in this cozy apartment in a sleepy town called Storybrooke, that matter.

* * *

**I know, I know, please don't shoot me. There's no really happy ending to this story, because I personally think that that's a bit unrealistic. There's so much they've to work through, and making things better won't go overnight. A penny for your thoughts? ;)**

**Thanks so much for reading! xoxo**


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